Growing up, when my girlfriends would fantasize about their wedding and who they would marry I never went there. I always pictured myself walking through the world with a daughter, but never knew if I would ever marry. At the time this felt strong and empowering. I’ve come to realize that it was in fact a much safer place to step into and visualize. A place free from the vulnerability that I avoided at all costs. A child’s love is a much safer place than the reality of having to show up as a partner in a relationship.
Vulnerability has been one of my biggest struggles. I mentioned previously that I equated taking care of myself with removing myself from uncomfortable situations. Being strong enough to say - this sucks, I’m out of here. And I was really good at that! When the going got tough - I was out. Until I realized how much damage I was doing to myself and others and the lonely and difficult road that was leading me down. To be completely honest - this is still my challenge. When conversations with my husband get difficult, everything in me wants to shut down. Even though I can stay in the room, the greater battle is a desire to put up my shield and disappear. It’s part of my continual growth, and self awareness and body awareness have brought me so much further along this road. When we can retrain our bodies to move into triggering situations from a place of openness and freedom - incredible shifts happen.
Sobriety was an incredible test in self awareness as well. Toward the end of my 20’s everything in my world felt wrong, but I didn’t know why. I would tell others that I just knew in my heart that things could be better, but when pushed to describe better - I was stuck. I didn’t know. But, what I did know was that there was a force greater than me at play in the universe and that I must be here to do more than I was currently doing.
I set out to become a “better person” first because of my husband and then because of my daughter. Doing the things I thought I should be doing - for them. Looking back, it was a good impetus for the change that happened on a much deeper level. Going through the motions on the surface, began the journey of deeper self awareness. I began to realize when it was tough to try and behave a certain way and would ask myself why? I believe this surface layer of exploration paved the way for my deeper understanding that happened at that yoga retreat in 2015. (See My Journey Part 1)
One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned is that I am a life-long student. I am eternally grateful to be able to share what I have learned on my journey, and in turn learn from others and their experiences as well.
My wish for all of you is that you truly understand where happiness and joy live in your body. What that feels like and how you describe that feeling. That you become so familiar with that feeling that moving into that space becomes second nature. You go there when things feel difficult, challenging, and frightening as well as joyous. When you move through life from this place of joy, you change the world.